I walked in, dropped my bag, and launched straight into a frustrated rant to my husband.
I’d just come from a meeting where things went sideways fast. A senior team member was trying to give performance feedback, and instead of creating clarity, it turned into this tense back-and-forth where no one was actually listening.
The conversation was spiralling, the staff member was shutting down, and the senior team member was becoming more forceful in a way that felt completely counterproductive.
At one point I stepped in and said, “Okay, I don’t think this is moving us forward. Let’s pause here and revisit it another time.”
And on the surface, that sounded calm and reasonable.
But inside?
I was furious.
On the drive home I’d been having this whole internal monologue about how the senior should have known better. How obvious it was that their approach wasn’t working. How none of this would’ve happened if people just handled things “properly.” And how I should have been the one leading the conversation from the start, from now on I should be the one delivering all feedback in this team.
By the time I unloaded all of this at home, I could hear it: the tone, the judgement, the over-functioning.
I looked up at my husband and said, “I’m below the line.”
The line is fear.
When we’re above the line, we feel fear and we acknowledge it. We’re aware, intentional and still in the driver’s seat.
When we’re below the line, we’re acting from fear, often without realising it. Fear is in the driver’s seat and we’re tied up in the boot of the car.
Remember the drama triangle we spoke about a few weeks ago? When we’re below the line, we’re operating in those 3 familiar roles – victim, villain or hero.
In that moment I realised I was below the line because I recognised that I was caught up in two familiar roles: the villain (“they’re doing it wrong”) and the hero (“I’ll do it from now on”).
You know you’re below the line when you’re acting in one of these three roles.
- Victim: Everything is happening to you and there’s nothing you can do about it.
- Villain: You’re blaming others and pointing out everything they could have done better.
- Hero: You’re swooping in to save the situation and fix everything yourself.
This practice has shifted how I show up at home and at work. Noticing when I’m below the line prompts me to recognise how I’m feeling and acknowledge it, so I can move forward from a place of awareness, rather than letting fear take the wheel.
Once you have awareness, you can then choose to shift:
From Victim → Creator
From Villain → Challenger
From Hero → Coach
In my scenario, since that time I’m now working as a coach and trainer, so I’ve created training modules to equip emerging leaders with the tools they need to effectively support their teams. And in my 1-1 coaching programs I help people develop a greater sense of self-awareness, and I challenge them to adopt more constructive approaches with their staff.
Don’t get me wrong, I still slip below the line, but I catch myself before spending too much time down there.
If you feel like this would be a useful tool to adopt, listen to this week’s podcast episode where I dive deeper into this concept: 🎧 Are You Above or Below the Line? Understanding Your Reactive Patterns
You can listen to the episode on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
Awareness is the first step, and this kind of tool helps you interrupt old patterns in real time. It helps you notice when you’ve slipped into drama, so you can choose a more grounded response, instead of reacting from fear.
It doesn’t mean you’ll get it right all the time.
It doesn’t mean you won’t slip below the line, we all do.
But it does mean you’ll recognise it sooner.
You’ll catch the tone in your voice, the story in your head, the urge to jump in and fix or control. And in that pause, you get your power back.
That’s where real leadership begins, not in never feeling fear, but in noticing it and choosing how you want to show up next.
I hope this gives you something practical to take into your week.
– Nat
PS Have you noticed yourself slip below the line recently? Hit reply and we’ll unpack it.
PPS If you’re moving into a people leadership role, or you’re already there and want to make sure you’re equipped with the skills and tools to succeed, book a complimentary clarity call here, and we’ll map out your next steps.
