How many times have you walked away from a situation and thought:
Why did I react like that?
Maybe it was an email that landed in your inbox with very little context. You read it once, twice, then a third time. By lunchtime, you'd convinced yourself something is wrong. By mid-afternoon, you'd replayed every recent interaction with that person and imagined three possible worst-case scenarios. Then the next day they reply: "Sorry my email was so short, I was in meetings all afternoon." And you realise nothing was wrong at all.
Or maybe someone challenged a piece of work you'd completed. You immediately felt defensive, your heart rate increased, your tone changed, you found yourself explaining, justifying, protecting. Then later that night, lying in bed, you realised they may have actually had a point.
I think most of us have moments like these.
One of the biggest misconceptions I used to have about emotional intelligence was that emotionally intelligent people somehow remained calm, measured and unaffected all the time.
As though they had mastered some secret skill that prevented them from ever feeling frustrated, anxious, embarrassed, insecure or overwhelmed.
What I've realised is that emotional intelligence isn't about avoiding those emotions. It's about noticing them.
Because the reality is that our emotions influence us whether we're aware of them or not. Frustration changes our tone, anxiety affects our decision-making abilities, defensiveness changes how we receive feedback, fear causes us to avoid conversations we'd be better off having.
And when we don't recognise what's happening internally, those emotions continue to drive our behaviour without us even realising.
This is where self-awareness becomes so important. Self-awareness is the ability to recognise what's happening within us while it's happening:
"I'm feeling anxious."
"I'm feeling defensive."
"I'm feeling frustrated."
So we can understand what's going on before it starts making decisions on our behalf. Because it's very difficult to manage something you haven't even recognised.
Once we become aware of what we're feeling, we then have a choice, and that's where emotional regulation comes in. Don’t get me wrong, this is not emotional suppression, not pretending everything is fine or forcing ourselves to "stay positive".
Instead, it’s creating enough space between what we're feeling and how we respond. Enough space to get curious:
"Why did that email trigger such a strong reaction in me?"
"Why did that piece of feedback feel so uncomfortable?"
"Why did that comment linger in my mind for the rest of the day?"
There's useful information sitting underneath the emotion if we're willing to look for it.
I've found that some of the biggest shifts in my own life haven't come from learning more technical knowledge or accumulating more experience. They've come from developing a greater awareness of what is happening internally before it spills out externally.
It's still a work in progress, I still get triggered, I still catch myself making assumptions, I still find myself halfway down catastrophe highway before realising what I'm doing. The difference now is that I notice it sooner, and that awareness changes everything.
🎧 In this week's podcast episode, I explore four of the most foundational emotional intelligence skills: self-awareness, emotional regulation, empathy and social awareness.
You can listen to the episode on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
The interesting thing about emotional intelligence is that most of us were never actually taught these skills. We learned technical knowledge, processes and how to solve problems.
But very few of us were taught how to understand what is happening inside us when we feel challenged, threatened, frustrated or overwhelmed. And yet those skills influence almost every conversation, decision and relationship we have.
Something worth reflecting on this week:
What emotion have you been feeling recently that might have something useful to teach you?
– Nat
PS If you've ever found yourself replaying a conversation, spiralling about an email, or wishing you'd responded differently in the moment, you're definitely not alone. This week's episode is a deep dive into why that happens and what we can do about it.
PPS One of the most valuable questions I've learned to ask myself is: "What am I feeling right now? And Why, where is this coming from?" Simple, but surprisingly powerful. Try it the next time you notice yourself reacting strongly to something.
