You know that feeling when you’re working with someone, you’ve had a conversation, you walk away thinking you’re completely aligned… and then later realise you weren’t on the same page at all?
I had one of those moments recently.
I’m collaborating with someone new and we had talked through what needed to happen. In my mind it all felt clear, so I went off and got on with my part of the work. But when we came back together to review it, it became obvious pretty quickly that there had been a gap in our understanding, and one part of what I’d done hadn’t landed the way it needed to, it had actually created extra work for the other person.
And the moment I realised that, I felt it straight away.
That familiar drop in your stomach, where your mind immediately starts retracing every step, looking for the point where you could have, or should have, done something differently. Why didn’t I check-in? I should have run that past them before making that call. How did I not think of that?
If you’re someone who cares about doing a good job, and you hold yourself to a high standard, I’m going to guess you know exactly what that feels like. Because it’s rarely just about the situation itself, it’s about everything your mind layers on top of it: what it means about you, your capability and the expectations you have of yourself.
And before long, you’re not just dealing with the mistake or misunderstanding, you’re sitting in this mix of disappointment, guilt, and frustration at yourself, wondering how you ended up here in the first place.
In those moments, I think a lot of us have the instinct to try and get out of that feeling as quickly as possible. To override it with more rational thoughts, telling ourselves that it’s not a big deal, that it will be fine, that everything will work itself out. And while those thoughts might be true at some point, in that moment they often don’t actually shift anything.
Because the reality is, you don’t fully believe that yet.
So instead of helping, it creates this disconnect where you’re trying to think your way into feeling better, while your body is still very much sitting in the opposite experience.
What we actually need in those moments, and something I explore more in this week’s podcast episode, is letting go of that pressure to feel better straight away, and instead learning how to meet yourself where you actually are.
This is emoting that sounds simple, but in reality it can feel really uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to moving quickly into problem-solving or fixing mode.
It means pausing long enough to acknowledge what’s there, without immediately trying to change it. Noticing the emotion and actually allowing it to be there, rather than brushing past it.
For me, that often looks like recognising, in a very matter-of-fact way, that of course I feel frustrated, of course I feel annoyed at myself, of course this feels uncomfortable, because it matters to me to do things well.
And there’s something that shifts when you allow that to be true, without rushing to move on from it.
From there, instead of trying to leap all the way to “everything is great” (which we all know doesn’t work), we should be aiming for a much smaller step. Instead of trying to go from disappointment to joy, just aim for neutral.
Something along the lines of, okay, I didn’t get that right, that doesn’t feel great, but I can take responsibility for it and move forward from here.
It’s a subtle shift, but it changes the direction completely.
Because once you’re no longer caught in that loop of self-judgement, you create space to look at the situation more clearly, and to ask a much more useful question, which is what is actually here for me to learn? And in most cases, there is something there.
In my situation, it was a reminder not to assume alignment too quickly, and to take the time to check in before making certain decisions, especially when working with someone new. It was also a reminder that even when both people are capable in their own lane, learning how to work together effectively takes time and adjustment.
When you approach it from that place, the experience stops being something you just want to move on from and becomes something you can actually use.
🎧 I go deeper into this in this week’s episode: How to Move Through Negative Emotions at Work (Without Forcing Positivity)
If this topic resonates with you, listen to the episode on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
And if this is something you’ve experienced recently, maybe the question isn’t “how do I get out of this feeling?”, but “what happens if I allow it to be there just long enough to understand what it’s trying to show me?”
– Nat
PS If this pattern of replaying situations and being hard on yourself feels familiar, you’re not alone. It’s something that comes up a lot with the people I work with, and it’s exactly the kind of thing we unpack in 1:1 coaching. If that’s something you’ve been thinking about, you’re always welcome to reach out for a chat here.
PPS A small shift to try this week, when you notice yourself spiralling, see if you can move from “I should have known better” to “what can I take from this?” It won’t feel natural at first, but it’s often the step that changes everything.
