If I had a dollar for every time I pushed through a situation, saying yes and taking on more, rather than stopping and listening to what I actually needed? I’d be writing this from a yacht in the Mediterranean right now.
This is a version of “resilience” that I see a lot with people who are capable and genuinely care about what they do. It’s the version that sounds like, “I’ll handle it,” “I’ve got it,” or “leave it with me.” And on the surface, it looks like strength.
It looks like someone who is dependable, composed, able to take things on and follow them through. The kind of person others trust and can rely on.
But the reality is that this version of being “resilient” is not just about being capable, it’s often driven by an internal pressure to not drop the ball, to not let anyone down, to make sure everything is held together, even when there isn’t really space for it.
So instead of asking, “what can I reasonably fit in right now?” we ask, “how do I make this work?”
And that’s where things have shifted without us realising, because what we often call resilience in those moments… is actually over-responsibility.
It’s the habit of taking on more than is yours to carry and then expecting yourself to manage it all without needing support. And when you’re operating like that, asking for help doesn’t feel like an option, it feels like you’re falling short.
Like you should be able to handle it, you shouldn’t need support, you should just be more resilient.
And if I’m honest, that pattern has been very familiar to me. As a recovering people-pleaser, perfectionist and overthinker, I know exactly how convincing those “I should” stories can be, and how quickly they can pull you into carrying more than you need to.
And what I’ve had to learn, and continue to come back to, is that this version of “resilience” isn’t true resilience after all. It’s actually a way of holding everything together on the outside, so you don’t have to look too closely at what’s going on underneath. Ooft, that one is hard even for me to hear.
That’s something Carolyn and I explored in Part 2 of the resilience series this week. One of the most helpful shifts she offers is a reframe of what resilience actually is. Not how much you can carry, or how well you can push through, but how you sustain yourself when things are difficult, especially when those conditions aren’t likely to change quickly.
And for many people, that includes learning how to ask for help, even when it disrupts the stories on repeat in your mind, and especially when it goes against how other people define resilience.
Because when everything sits on your shoulders, of course it feels relentless, of course it feels like you’re constantly trying to keep up. That’s not a sign that you’re not resilient enough. It’s a sign that the situation is hard, and you’re carrying way too much on your own.
“You can’t be all things to all people all the time” is how Carolyn explained it in our conversation.
I feel like having that quote emblazoned on t-shirts to hand out to every person battling over-responsibility and people-pleasing at the moment.
If you want to hear more of Carolyn's words of wisdom, this episode is for you:
You can listen to the episode on the RYL website, or Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
In the second part of our conversation, we move into what resilience actually looks like in practice. Carolyn walks through her 7-step framework and shares grounded, real-life ways to navigate pressure, respond to unhelpful comments, and find your way back to a steadier place on the harder days.
If Part 1 helped you rethink resilience, Part 2 will help you recognise where your current approach might be working against you, and what a more sustainable version could look like instead.
– Nat
PS If you notice yourself defaulting to “I’ll just handle it,” it might be worth pausing and asking whether that’s actually yours to carry on your own.
PPS And if this pattern feels familiar, you’re not alone in it. It’s one of the most common things I see, and something I still catch myself in too. If you want some support with this work, reach out to Carolyn by filling out the contact form on her website: www.globalpsychometricinstitute.com/contact
