“They always get the easy projects and they don’t even have to fight for them. It’s so unfair! They just don’t see me that way, I swear they don’t think I’m capable, I’m never going to get the good projects.” She said it with a sharp exhale, one hand slicing through the air for emphasis, the other gripping her iced latte just tightly enough that I thought it might end up on the table.
I could see how frustrated she was. Tired, worn down by the feeling that she was always pushing uphill while everyone else seemed to be gliding by.
And in that moment, I felt the pull.
The friend in me wanted to jump straight in.
“Ugh, I know! That’s so unfair. I hate when people get preferential treatment. You’ve been carrying so much for so long and you are absolutely capable, you deserve that project, not them!”
And honestly, in this situation part of me believed all of that might be true.
But I also knew something else.
If I went down that path, I wouldn’t actually be helping her. I’d just be reinforcing the story that was already keeping her stuck.
So instead of agreeing, I paused. I stayed with what I could feel underneath her words.
And I said something different:
“That sounds exhausting. Like it’s been wearing you down for a while.”
She stopped mid-sip and looked at me, and that’s where the conversation shifted.
What initially came out as frustration about someone else slowly turned into something much more revealing. Feeling unsupported in her role, feeling overlooked, carrying responsibility that no one else seemed to notice and questioning whether all the effort she as putting in was worth it.
This other person was never really the point.
This is a pattern I see all the time, with clients, in teams, and honestly, in myself if I’m not paying attention. Someone’s perception of us, or a situation lands on us that we aren’t happy about. It stings, it has an impact on something we’re trying to do. And without realising it, we make a very quick internal leap:
This affected me… so maybe it says something about me.
That’s such a human response, especially in work environments where perception, opportunity and progression are all tangled together in a tight ball. But that leap is where things start to blur.
At the end of the day, impact and meaning aren’t the same thing.
Something can affect you without defining you.
Someone’s perception of you can say far more about what’s happening inside them than about your capability or worth.
The same thing applies when you’re on the other side of it, when someone comes to you venting, frustrated, activated. It can feel like you’re being invited to agree with their interpretation of the situation. To validate the story. But agreeing with the story isn’t the same as supporting the person.
What actually creates momentum is validating their experience, their emotions without buying into the narrative. That can look like:
- “I can hear how fed up you are.”
- “That sounds really heavy.”
- “I can see why this would be frustrating.”
Those responses keep the focus on what’s coming up for them, not on assigning blame or locking the story in place. From there, clarity has some room to come through.
Sometimes what comes next is reflection. Sometimes it’s setting a boundary. Sometimes it’s a bigger conversation that needs to happen. And sometimes, yes, behaviour does need to be addressed. It’s not all internal work, but the order matters here.
When we separate impact from meaning and reaction from reality, we’re able to respond with discernment rather than emotional charge. That’s self-leadership.
And helping someone though this is the kind of leadership that builds trust and psychological safety in real, practical moments, not just in theory.
If this feels familiar, whether you’re the one stewing in frustration, or the one holding space for someone else’s, this week’s podcast episode explores this in much more detail. 🎧 Perceptions, Triggers, and Accountability: Navigating Other People’s Reactions Without Losing Yourself.
You can listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts here:
This episode is an invitation to slow the moment down.
To separate impact from meaning.
And to notice where you might be carrying things that were never yours to hold in the first place.
– Nat
PS If you catch yourself wanting to either take everything on, or dismiss it all, see if you can pause and ask yourself: What part of this is mine to reflect on, and what isn’t? What’s actually happening here, and what am I telling myself this means about me? These questions can change how the whole situation unfolds.
PPS These are the kinds of conversations I support leaders with regularly, learning how to respond without reinforcing stories or shutting people down. If you want a practical, step-by-step framework for that, get the resource here.
