“I know what they’re saying makes sense… but I can’t help feeling like it’s a reflection of me, of my capability” my client explained over a mocha.
I paused for a moment before asking:
“What exactly did they say?”
She flicked through her notes and read it back to me.
“They said they needed more ownership from me on this piece of work.”
On paper, that sounds straightforward. But what she heard was something very different. She heard:
“I’m not doing a good enough job.”
“I should already know this.”
“Maybe I’m not cut out to work at this level.”
Same words, but a completely different meaning.
This is something I see all the time, the team leader gives some feedback and communicates an expectation, and the person on the receiving end experiences it as a judgement. Not because the leader intended it that way, but because of how the message was framed… and how it was interpreted.
In last week’s note, we spoke about clarity. How a lot of frustration at work comes down to expectations that were never fully defined. This is the next layer of that conversation.
Even when expectations are communicated… how they’re communicated matters just as much. Because there’s an important difference between:
“I need you to be better at this.”
and
“At this level, the expectation is that you proactively drive these parts of the project, that looks like identifying next steps and keeping others updated.”
One feels personal. The other feels helpful.
When expectations are framed around the person, it’s very easy to internalise them. To turn them into a reflection of your capability, your worth or your potential. Especially for us overthinkers and perfectionists.
But when expectations are framed around the role and what the business needs from that role, it shifts. The conversation becomes less about:
“What’s wrong with me?”
And more about:
“What is this role actually requiring here?”
That small shift creates space. Space to reflect, space to learn and space to adjust without spiralling.
There’s another dynamic that often sits underneath this: Resentment.
The person leading the project has to redo a piece of work late at night because it was promised to the client first thing the next morning. They tell themselves, “It’s just easier if I do it.” And the more this happens, they start feeling like they’re carrying more than they should, and the frustration slowly grows.
But underneath that frustration is usually an unspoken expectation. Something they assumed would be picked up by the person they delegated the work to. Something that may never have fully been explained. Something that felt obvious to them, but wasn’t visible to the other person. And instead of addressing it directly, it stays in the background… gradually building resentment.
So whether you’re leading a project or a team, or you’re on the receiving end of delegated work, there are two really useful questions to sit with here:
If you’re leading: “Am I communicating this as judgement… or as a role requirement?”
And if you’re on the receiving end: “What is actually being asked of the role here?”
If you’re on the receiving end, and you’ve already hopped on the slippery slope of self-deprecation, hoist yourself off the slide by asking: “What am I making this mean about me? What story am I telling myself in my mind?” then you can follow with “What is actually being asked of the role here?”
Because when you start looking at expectations through that lens, they soften. Feedback becomes information, not a critique of your identity. And generally, these conversations become a lot easier to have.
This is something I explore further in this week’s episode: 🎧 Clarity Is Kind: The Missing Piece in Team Performance Part 2
You can listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts:
And if you haven’t listened to Part 1 of this series yet, I’d recommend starting there. It lays the foundation for this conversation and will help this piece land more clearly.
– Nat
PS If you’ve ever walked away from feedback replaying it in your head, trying to work out what it really meant… this episode will give you a different way to approach it.
PPS And if you’re in a position where you need to communicate expectations to others, this is one of those small shifts that can completely change how your message lands.
